Redemption
by suerum
Summary: This is a Jaspin story. It explores what things would be like if Jason lost Spinelli and how he would cope and adapt.
1. There's No Time

Redemption

_Redemption_

_AN: I have no rights to or affilitation with the characters contained in this work._

_Chapter 1: There's No Time:_

_He rubbed his eyes tiredly and sighed, this was a mess. Everything was a mess. Ever since the wedding and Kate getting shot, nothing was right, everywhere he looked things were canted, off-kilter. Once it was clear that she was going to survive, Sonny had shown up at the coffee shop and had said he wanted it all back. He said he couldn't trust Jason to handle it, to not back down, to be focused and ruthless enough._

_Jason had done what he always did and signed every document Diane Miller placed in front of him. The last one was a letter in an envelope, when he opened it and scanned it he looked up at her in shock. Grim faced she nodded "I won't be a part of this, I can't, it will be a blood bath and I can't work for Sonny as he looks everywhere but in the mirror for who's responsible for what happened to Kate." _

_So, she was gone and Spinelli had been relegated to working in the outer coffee shop and had been banned from the inner sanctum. Sonny was either at the office pacing up and down like a caged lion or at the hospital holding his new wife's hand. _

_His head hurt and his eyes burned and his back ached and he still didn't know who had fired that gun at Kate as she stood at the altar. He hated the demotion to right hand man; he hated having Sonny yell at Spinelli when he wasn't fast enough and most of all he hated having to once again push Elizabeth out of his most patently unsafe life._

_Suddenly the land line rang shattering the silence of the office, "Morgan."_

"_Jason, it's Lucky Spencer, you need to get down to pier 48 now!"_

_Jason sighed "Lucky, I'm not in the mood…."_

"_It's Spinelli, he needs you and there is no time!"_

_Ten minutes later, Jason skidded the bike to a stop right behind a fire engine. He hopped down and started to run towards the floodlit group clustered around a large packing crate. _

_Lucky Spencer stepped out in front of him and blocked his way, "Wait, Jason."_

"_Where is he? Where's Spinelli? I need to see him!"_

"_Jason, look at me." and that is what he did, looked straight into Lucky's eyes and what he saw made him cold to the core._

"_There isn't any hope, there is little time and you have to be prepared." _

"_No! Not Spinelli!"_

"_It can't be about you or anyone but him. He needs you to be with him and to say whatever he wants or needs to hear. You will goddamn lie if that is what it takes."_

_Jason closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I won't need to lie, now where is he?'_

_Lucky stepped aside and pointed to the far side of the crate. The crowd revealed itself to be a mixture of police officers, firemen, dock workers, and Sam McCall standing off to the side wrapped in a blanket. He looked at her but she didn't seem to see him, she was in shock. As he scanned the other faces, men who saw so much in the line of duty, he saw shock, pity and sadness. They all seemed to understand why he was there and they parted to make a path towards the wall behind the crate. _

_The huge crate was skewed at a strange angle; it had obviously come off the dock crane and landed almost at the wall. Then he saw him-Spinelli. At first relief washed over him, this wasn't so bad. He was half sitting, half lying at an awkward tilt against the brick wall. The flood lights and crate shadow combined to make a surrealistic chiaroscuro effect of dappled shade around Spinelli. His eyes were closed but he didn't seem to be injured… Then Jason followed the line of his body with his eyes and realization struck. He couldn't see anything beyond Spinelli's torso; his hips and the rest of his legs were invisible, trapped under hundreds of pounds of crate. _

_Jason stepped back, he wanted to vomit, he wanted to run, he wanted to howl at the night sky. By enormous strength of will, he forced the bile back down his throat and took one step and another step and another to be with his dead brother._

_As he reached the edge of the crate he saw how little space there was to get near Spinelli. He had to turn to edge in and fit and then he had to slide down the wall and fold up his legs and twist to turn and face him. When he managed it and could see Spinelli's face he saw his eyes were open and clear and gazing at him. He gave him a lopsided grin and said "Stone Cold! You're here, I thought maybe…. I am so happy you are here."_

_Jason swallowed and tried desperately to match his friend's demeanor "Spinelli, I came as soon as I heard. How, how….are you feeling?"_

"_You mean besides the cramped accommodations and the painful, inevitable pinch of an I.V. in the Jackal's veins? Surprisingly peaceful, though the lights glare a tad. The Jackal was resting his eyes, waiting and hoping his Master might arrive anon."_

_Jason craned his neck and saw that there was indeed an I.V. bag full of a clear fluid hanging off the crate. There was also a blood pressure cuff on Spinelli's left arm that __inflated spontaneously with a hiss. Spinelli, leaned his head back against the wall closed his eyes and sighed, "It does that every five minutes, talk about clocking one's mortality."_

"_Does it hurt, are you in pain?" Jason asked tentatively._

_Spinelli gave him a look filled with compassion and pity and said quietly "No, it doesn't hurt, it really doesn't, just some pinching sensations and a feeling of pressure. I'm O.K."_

_Uncertain how to respond to such an absurd, monumentally untrue statement; Jason chose silence. __Spinelli spoke again "What shall we do Stone Cold, shall we talk of __many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--Of cabbages--and kings--__?" He trailed off with a hiss and closing his eyes again, rested his head against the wall._

_Jason looked at the young man, seeing the pallor of his face, circles under his eyes and a translucence to his skin that all bespoke the enormity of the damage done to his body. He said, "We don't have to do anything, we can just sit here and be………"_

_Spinelli's eyes flew open and he twisted his head toward Jason and words poured out in a rapid flow "No, we can't because now is ALL there is! There is no tonight, no tomorrow, just now and there are things I need to say to you and that you need to hear. Things you have to do for me and now is when that happens."_

"_All right, anything you want, anything you need, I will do it, I will get it, I promise. But first will you tell me how this happened?"_

_Spinelli sighed, "Your grasshopper fears that he has again managed to take a simple task and failed to carry it through to a successful conclusion……….. Fair Samantha called me and said that she had a thumb drive with information that might implicate those behind the counterfeit drugs that have long been plaguing our fair city. She asked me to meet her on the docks, since she had another shipment to pilot and off load tonight. It was meant to be a quick meeting; I would take the drive and analyze it at my convenience..." He stopped speaking._

_Jason gently prompted "and?"_

"_We met; it seemed the busyness of the docks would provide cover for us to engage in our subterfuge. We stood here, on this very spot talking. It was noisy and active and I saw the crate lifting up and out. I didn't think anything of it. Then it shifted and started swinging towards us and I saw the hook cut loose. There was no time to speak; I pushed Sam as hard as I could. The rest is as you see."_

_Jason closed his eyes as a wave of grief and futility washed over him, "Why do you always put EVERYONE before you, why?_

"_The grasshopper learnt at his Master's feet, by his example. Did you see Fair Samantha, is she well?"_

_Jason turned and looked at his friend's open countenance filled with genuine concern. Not for the first time, he wondered if he actually was residing with the living epitome of a saint._

"_Personally," he thought grimly, "I wish it were Sam lying here, I think I could take Spinelli home, eat a good dinner and watch a video with him and go to sleep without a murmur from my conscience." Instead, he said, "I saw her and she's fine, just a little shook up."_

"_Good tidings indeed; and now Stone Cold we must talk-firstly about Maximista….."_

_Jason hadn't once thought about Maxie or more importantly; Spinelli and Maxie. He said, "Do you want me to call her, do you want to see her?"_

"_No! She mustn't see me like this, she couldn't bear it and the memory would forever haunt her. It pains me that Stone Cold must carry such a grievous imprint on his mind. The Jackal only hopes that he understands that there was no other way, that he needed his friend and hopes that he can forgive his thoughtlessness in exposing him to such pain. He knows full well how many such burdens Stone Cold is forced to carry and he wishes that he wouldn't be the cause of a further one."_

"_Spinelli, you listen to me. There is nothing, nothing absolutely nothing that you have to ask my forgiveness for-nothing! It is your forgiveness that I need-for bringing you into a life that brought you to this……..place and time."_

_Spinelli looked at him puzzled, "Forgive you, for what? For taking me into your home, your confidence, for believing in me? You transformed my life, I became someone. I have friends and acceptance because of you. I am Jackal P.I. and I love you and the Fair Maximista-you are my family and I had none. All that is so wonderful and it would not have happened if you had not let me into your life. This," gesturing at the crate, "is a price well worth paying for all of that."_

_Frustrated, Jason ran his hand through his hair, "You are my family Spinelli and I will take care of Maxie for you. Anytime she needs me I will be there for her. I will never be the smallest piece of what you are to her, though. She loves you with all her heart."_

_Spinelli looked at him with a dazed expression, "She does? How do you know?"_

_Jason barked a short laugh, "Everyone in this entire town know how it is between the two of you, we were all just waiting for you both to realize it. I wish I had said something sooner, I'm sorry."_

_Tears brimmed in Spinelli's eyes and he said softly, "Thank you for telling me now; it is a gift beyond measure. If she were here now she would indeed brighten up this dark, dank space as the sun brightens the noon day sky."_

_Jason realized with an inward despairing shudder that Spinelli would never again see either the actual sun or his own personal spiritual sun-that was Maxie…_

"_Stone Cold, when Maximista is grief stricken she becomes destructive and the one she wants to destroy is herself. The Ja.., __I__ won't be here to catch her, to comfort her and to assuage her unnecessary but ever prevalent guilt. Please usher her through this most difficult time, perhaps you could lean upon one another."_

_Spinelli, short of breath, stopped speaking and rocked his head back and forth in exhaustion._

_Alarmed, Jason said, "Spinelli rest, I will take care of her, I will be with her, I will help her-but it's you that matters right now-just you."_

"_Hey handsome! Not fading on me are you?"_

_Startled Jason turned his head to see a young female paramedic peering intently over his shoulder at Spinelli, her concerned expression belying the lightness of her tone._

_Spinelli turned to look at her with a smile, "No indeed Sweet Stacey, my ministering angel. No fading here. Stone Co-Jason, this is Stacey, she stayed with me until you arrived. Hers is a most comforting presence."_

"_Aw, I bet you say that to all the female paramedics"_

"_Most assuredly not, I am usually not conscious when receiving medical care."_

"_Well. my lucky day then. If your friend, Jason, could excuse us for a moment, I need to do some preventive maintenance on our patient."_

_As Jason backed out and let Stacey in, he looked at the I.V. bag and was panicked to see how close to empty it was. That fluid, he realized, was all that was keeping Spinelli conscious and alive and it was spilling out of him like a radiator hit by a rock. _

_He desperately wanted to slam his fist into something hard and unyielding, to break flesh and bones and feel the type of pain that could overwhelm the pain of a breaking heart. In truth there wasn't any such option, he could break every bone in his body and this would still be far, far worse. He was jealous of every second Stacey had spent and was spending with Spinelli. He needed whatever time there was with him, because there would be no more and he couldn't even begin to contemplate that empty existence. _

"_Jason, how is he?" Sam had walked up behind him, still wrapped in the blanket and shaking with cold that had nothing to do with the evening chill. _

_He couldn't bear to look at her, "He's trying, he's talking and he is aware but I don't know how much longer…"_

"_Oh, God! This is all my fault!" she began weeping, great ragged sobs that rocked her back and forth. _

_Jason didn't care, it was the least that she should suffer. He walked away from her, back towards the crate, impatient to get back into that claustrophobic space to be with Spinelli. _

"_Stone Cold, you're back!" Spinelli looked a little better, a fresh I.V. bag was pumping more fluid into his system._

"_Where else would I be?"_

_Spinelli bit his bottom lip and turned to look at his mentor, "The favor about Maximista? That was the easy one; that I knew you would agree to do."_

"_I told you anything, I meant it."_

"_I wish you could understand what I see when I look at you. A man that does so much good, that helps so many people but that can only see the dark, that feels he deserves to be swallowed by that darkness. It is a waste and it is wrong and I can't leave if it doesn't change."_

"_Spinelli….."_

"_No, Jason! No!" Spinelli was glaring at him and his breathing was coming in rapidly, pulsing and hitching but he went on, "This time YOU WILL HEAR WHAT I SAY!! You are in danger of losing your soul and it is a magnificent soul. In my arrogance and hubris, I thought that I could help guide you to a better path-to the life you deserve, with Jake and the right to be happy and choose for yourself." He stopped, out of breath, tried to twist towards Jason but was prevented by the massive weight sitting on him. _

_Jason was in agony and reached for him, "Stop! You'll hurt yourself!"_

_Spinelli laughed bitterly, "Jason, I don't want to die. I am young and there are so many things I haven't done. I wanted to see the Parthenon, wander the Eternal City, visit Shakespeare's birthplace. I wanted to fall asleep with Maximista in my arms and wake up to her beautiful smile in the morning. I wanted to prove that I could forge a life just like everyone else does. I wanted you to be proud of me. But the most important thing I wanted is to see you free! Jason, I need you to promise me that you will do this for me, that you will choose a life and not just resign yourself to this living hell you are in. There can be no more excuses, no more rationalizations, no more sacrifices for everyone else. Jason, I __can't__be there to block your demons anymore, I want to but I can't." He was crying and gasping and reaching towards Jason._

"_I need your promise here and now, Please!" There isn't any time!"_

_Jason rocked his head in his arms, crying, in a small voice he asked, "What would I do, I don't know how to do anything else."_

_Spinelli grabbed his face and turned it so that they were forehead to forehead, more intimate than they had ever been, but both were oblivious to it. "Why that's easy. You'll help people, just as you do now but you'll do it in the light. You don't need or care about money, so you can do whatever you want and at the end of the day you can wrap yourself in a true home with people that care about you. It is simple, you just have to want to and do it. You," he gasped for air, "have to promise me!"_

_Jason shook his head, tears welling in his eyes inches away from his brother's eyes, "How can I do it without you here? I don't know how, I'll be lost"_

_Spinelli placed his hand onto Jason's chest, "I'll be right here, safe in your heart. You and Maxie have to live for me, travel, have children, make the world better and remember me, please don't forget me!"_

"_Never, it's not possible," Jason placed his hand over Spinelli's-"you'll be safe, right here always. I promise."_

_Spinelli sat back, he was crying and laughing-trying to catch his breath, "Thank you, thank you so much, I love you Jason."_

_Jason looked at his dying friend/son/brother/conscience and amidst all the darkness and grief inside him; he could see the merest crack of light, the possibility of salvation. _

_He said, in a steady, calm tone, "I love you Damien Spinelli, you are the truest, purest soul I have ever known. Thank you for being in my life and caring for me."_

_Suddenly, Stacey was back and furiously pulling Jason away from Spinelli. "What are you doing to him, stop it, he needs…"_

_The I.V., Jason looked up at the bag collapsing in on itself, "Oh, God, no!"_

"_MOVE!"_

_This time when Stacey came out from behind the crate, there was nothing light in her mien, she looked resentfully at Jason and said, "You cost him minutes he doesn't have, but he wants you there and what he wants is all that matters. You better not upset him again."_

_When Jason crawled behind the crate, Spinelli was once again lying with his eyes closed and his head at an awkward angle against the wall. He looked shrunken and small and when he opened his eyes there was only the smallest flicker of recognition for Jason. Jason inched as close as he could get to him and moved his head onto his shoulder in what he hoped was a more comfortable position. He covered Spinelli with his leather jacket and wrapped his arms around him and waited._

_It was only the tiniest of shudders, one moment his chest was rising hesitantly and the next it was still. That moment marked the separation between life and death, hope and despair, companionship and solitude. "Now," Jason thought bleakly, "Now, there was nothing but time…….."_

AN: Reviews and impressions are always appreciated


	2. Ashes

Redemption

_Redemption_

_Chapter 2: __Ashes_

_It was the Judas blood pressure cuff that betrayed them. It started to inflate and then stopped as if puzzled by what it couldn't find, and then it kept trying. Jason reached over and removed it from Spinelli's arm, pulling out the despised I.V. needle for good measure. There was no longer any need for either and he knew someone would soon be coming._

_Stacey appeared at the edge of the crate and without preamble, said in a frosty voice, "Jason, they need to move the crate now." There were no condolences: no "I'm sorry for your loss," or "He was a special person."_

"_Let them move it," he said in a ragged voice._

"_They can't with you here'"_

_His only response was to wrap his arms tighter around Spinelli, as he rested his chin on the top of his head and closed his eyes._

_Stacey stared at him for a moment, and in a softer tone said, "Don't you care about his dignity? How can you keep him here?"_

_Jason tried to contain the rush of anger that exploded in him. What the hell did this person know about Spinelli's dignity? So, she kept him company, sat next to him, probably thought he was "quirky" and felt sorry for him. She didn't have the first clue about what an irreplaceable soul had been lost here tonight. Later, she would probably go and get drunk with her friends and talk about the toughest shift she had ever had; but that __SHE__ had tried to make a difference. Jason wanted to scream at her until his voice failed, but years of tamping down his reactions enabled him to instead hiss at her, "Get out of here! Leave us alone!"_

_There was so much venom and anguish in his tone and in his expression that Stacey actually stumbled backwards from the force of the emotions._

"_It's all right," Jason crooned to the silent figure in his arms, "she's gone, it's just us. I've got you…………."_

_It was ten minutes before anyone else approached them. This time it was the fire battalion chief. He took off his helmet and stood silently for a minute before speaking. "Mr. Morgan let me offer my sincerest sympathy for your loss. Everyone is saddened by what happened here this evening; it was terrible, so tragic."_

_Jason just looked at him with pain dulled eyes._

_He continued in a quiet, gentle voice, "The thing is, Mr. Morgan, the fire service can't leave until the site is cleared and declared safe; and all…….well, all personages are accounted for and removed. That means we have to move the crate to retrieve Mr. Spinelli. We can't move it with you here, it isn't safe and it's against regulations. If there were a fire or another emergency, we need to be free to respond to it. So, sir, if you could come out, we can get on with things and help your young friend."_

_Jason couldn't wrap his mind around the idea of anyone deserving any kind of help tonight; what did he care, there would never be any kind of help for him. But he knew if he didn't do as they asked it would escalate; they might try to drag him out physically and he couldn't bear that thought._

_Slowly and begrudgingly, he started to do the first in the series of betrayals that separate the living from the dead. Gently, he laid Spinelli's head back, making sure the jacket was wrapped tightly around him. Then he pulled his stiffened body up by leaning on the crate. "I won't be far and I'll come right back," he spoke reassuringly to the unreceptive form._

_The crane was reattached to the hook, and the massive crate was inched off of Spinelli's body. Jason stood as close as possible; never once taking his eyes off his brother's body. When he saw what had been concealed under the crate, his knees buckled and he swayed. The fire chief grabbed his elbow but Jason shook him off, grim faced. _

_Two men with a gurney moved towards Spinelli, but before they could reach him, Jason intervened, "I'll do it." He reached down and picked up the distorted and twisted form. Cradling Spinelli's head against his shoulder, he carried him over to the gurney. He carefully set him down and looked at the familiar face. Spinelli's eyes were closed and bruised looking and he was so pale but peaceful looking._

_Jason reached out to brush the unruly hair back from his forehead, "I will miss you __everyday __for the rest of my life; but I will remember each promise I made and I will keep every one. So, you don't need to worry about me or Maxie or anyone left behind here-you are free to go. I love you."_

_The attendant pulled a sheet up over Spinelli's face obscuring his features. _

"_We'll take good care of him."_

"_Thank you," Jason said dipping his head and watching the gurney roll away with a palpable tug on his heart. _

"_Jason!" Lucky Spencer was walking rapidly towards him. He stopped and looked back at the men and the gurney as he realized what was happening, "I'm so sorry man, that is as rough as it gets,"_

"_What do you want, Lucky?" Jason asked wearily; the last thing on Earth he was going to do was have an emotional sharing dialogue with Lucky Spencer._

"_There is something you need to hear; you have to come and talk to the crane operator. It is really important._

"_What is it?"_

"_I don't think this was an accident!"_

_Stunned, Jason looked at Lucky uncomprehendingly, "What did you say?"_

"_Just come and listen!"_

_Lucky led Jason over to a cluster of men gathered around the crane. As they approached, a heavyset, barrel-chested, middle aged man moved towards them._

_Lucky said, "This is Mitch Williams, he's the dock foreman. They called him out tonight when all this happened. He's the one that lifted the crate."_

_Brushing aside his proferred hand, Jason stepped to within inches of William's face, "What makes you think the crate falling wasn't an accident?"_

_Working on the docks wasn't a job for the easily intimidated; but Jason's naked aggression caused him to stammer uneasily as he answered, "A.…..a couple, well just two things, um the switch was, the release switch was depressed and uh, more importantly, this crane wasn't scheduled to be used tonight."_

"_What's the release switch?"_

"_Just what it sounds like, a switch you push when you want to release cargo."_

"_Meaning the crane didn't fail?"_

"_No! The crane's perfect and like I said, there was no scheduled dock work here tonight."_

_Jason stepped back and looked around at the assembled men who all shuffled back and looked as they would like to be anywhere else but here._

"_Did anyone see who was operating the crane when the crate fell?"_

_At first silence, than a young, slightly built man stepped forward hesitantly, "Yeah, I did. I thought it was a little strange but forgot about it in all the excitement of the crate coming off."_

"_Excitement!" Jason growled, "Yeah, a pretty damn exciting evening here. What did he look like?"_

_The man swallowed nervously and said, "I've seen him around the docks, not sure of his name. He's a big guy, totally bald but not old and he has the most piercing blue eyes..."_

_Jason felt sick with guilt and rage, "Cody Paul," he rasped, that made this his fault after all. "Oh, God!" he moaned._

"_Yeah, I remember, that was his..." the man looked at Jason and stopped uncertainly; he stepped back into the safety of the others._

_Jason turned and strode away towards his bike, intent on only one thing. _

"_Jason, wait!" Lucky came running after him._

"_Lucky, don't come near me, I can't be responsible for what will happen."_

"_Look, I know where you're going and what you're going to do when you get there."_

"_Not you, not anyone can stop me." Jason said with quiet ferocity._

"_I don't want to stop you," Lucky said, "I want to help if I can. Sam was on the other side of that crate, she's only alive because of Spinelli's sacrifice. I know you wish it were her instead; but I want this guy to pay for what he did just as much as you do. The thing is I can't go where you're going; I can't do what you'll do. But I can make sure that this time the PCPD __won't __come after you. I'll falsify evidence and reports; whatever it takes to make sure you stay in the clear."_

_Jason cocked his head and looked at Lucky, "You never liked Spinelli, treated him with disrespect, like he wasn't important enough for you,"_

_Lucky looked down shame-faced, "It's true, I wasn't very good to him and I guess I didn't know him. Still, no one deserves something like that to happen to them and anyway, I owe him now. I want you to collect on the debt. Whatever you need………."_

_Jason looked at him for a moment and then nodded his head in grim acceptance. Turning he walked towards his bike. This time it was the vibration of his cell phone in his pocket that stopped him. He pulled it out and saw the call was from Sonny. _

_He shook his head trying to remember when in his life this call would have mattered to him. For years, Sonny called and Jason came running-dropping anything and everything….Even earlier this evening, he would have responded, with reluctance and resentment, but still he would have gone. _

_Now, he was more interested in the time displayed on the phone's face. Mesmerized, he realized that only an hour and a half had elapsed since he received Lucky's urgent phone call. In that short time, his life had changed from all recognition. He closed his eyes and desperately rubbed at them, trying to keep tears and total despair at bay so he could focus on what he had to do. Ten hours ago, just this morning, if he had only insisted that Spinelli come and spend the day in the office with him…. God, what he would give to have him chattering incessantly all day long. How could he have ever been irritated, impatient, angry with him? What was he going to do now? The phone vibrated in his palm; drawing him back to bleak reality. Sonny again, he tossed it in the harbor, mounted his bike and roared off into the night. _

* * *

_Cody Paul was sweating as he searched his apartment, "Where was it?" Once he found it, he could go but he needed it, there might not be anymore for a long time. "Hurry, hurry," Morgan would be coming for him, probably already was……. He KNEW how stupid it had been to come back here, he was a Special Forces operative; you never backtracked, never returned to where you had stayed. _

_He hadn't been thinking straight for weeks, ever since Karpov had found him snooping around a shipment down at the docks. Instead of threatening him or killing him, he had opened a container and given him his choice of the goodies inside. "These are not counterfeit," he said, "Good stuff, all I need from you in return is some help with Mr. Morgan." Cody had felt shame but he was unable to resist the allure of the pills, the chance to tame the pain that everyone always told him was in his head. _

"_Thank God!" he reached down to pick up the brown bottle, just as Jason Morgan crashed open his apartment door with a single kick. He turned still bent over and pulled out the gun he had tucked in his waistband, a single shoot rang out and he looked in dazed disbelief at his tingling hand. _

_He looked up at Jason and what he saw in his face made him begin to back up as he desperately looked for some option, some way to survive. _

_Jason's eyes were shuttered and cold but his voice was soft, almost conversational, "You know Cody, I wasn't a very good mob boss," he moved one step closer, "You came to me and gave me information and I looked at you and thought I saw a man trying to fix things, figure out where he belongs in the world." Another step forward, "I got that, it's a lot like that for me sometimes and so, I asked you to join us." One more, "You did what I asked and I started to rely on you, even trust you……" Ever closer, "Now Sonny, he would never have done what I did. No, Sonny would have seen that the drug addiction made you too risky and he would never have brought you in." _

_Cody backed into the wall, there was nowhere left to go, "Jason, I …," he began._

"_Shut up!" almost there, "About two years ago this pain in the butt kid came to town working for Lorenzo Alcazar. We kept him around because he had information about Alcazar's operations and afterwards, because he could do anything, and I mean anything, with a computer." Jason stopped for a moment, swallowed and then stepped forward, "After awhile, he came to live with my girlfriend and me, and he drove me crazy! It was "Dude, this," and "Stone Cold, that" and he NEVER stopped talking! There wasn't any privacy." now he was standing directly in front of him and Cody started to slide down the wall, Jason reached down for him, still talking, "Then he started to grow on me, he was loyal to a fault and he helped me in so many ways." Jason grabbed the bigger man's neck and started pulling him upright, it should have been impossible, "He knew my secrets, he tried to be like me, which was stupid, everybody should be more like him." Cody fought to breath, he was upright against the wall, pinned there by Jason's hand. "I started to realize how important he was to me, how much I needed him in my life; somedays he was the only thing to keep the blackness away, to stop this," he gestured with his head at the gun in his other hand. "You know what I mean don't you Cody, when you want that bullet to be your friend, to stop you ever thinking again? Well, he kept me from doing that, he made me want to stay alive." _

_Cody started to faint from lack of oxygen. Jason relaxed his grip, "Uh, uh not going to be that easy," he said with a cold smile, "not for you. He was my friend, my family and I betrayed him. I wasn't a friend to him, I needed him in my life and so, I put him in danger. I hired you and I signed his death warrant." Jason's face started to crack and his eyes filled with tears; Cody grew stiff with fear._

"_You didn't stick around tonight, Cody, you didn't wait to see how it all ended. He was amazing, the bravest most courageous thing I have ever seen." Jason closed his eyes in pain, remembering, "Here he is dying, nothing can save him and all he does, all he ever did, is worry about others. He wanted to fix things for me, he wanted to protect me! He's lying there because of me, because of you, because of what we are and he's pure light." _

_Suddenly, Jason pulled Cody out from the wall and slammed him back into it, Cody's skull hit the brick and his vision dimmed. Jason was crying and he didn't even realize it, "You took him away from me and now I'll never get the chance to be better to him, to be better for him. What am I am going to do? I promised him and I have to deliver, but I don't know how…."_

_Then, Jason's demeanor shifted, his eyes red from crying, tears running down his cheeks, but now only ice in his expression. "So, Cody, I guess I'm not a very good mob boss and I wasn't a good friend, but there is one thing I still do well-Stone Cold killing…"_

_Cody started to whimper as Jason reached down and grabbed his hand and placed the gun in it. Inexorably, he forced Cody's hand backwards towards his abdomen. All the while looking into Cody's panicked eyes, Jason curled Cody's finger around the trigger placing pressure on it until the inevitable happened. The gun shot was loud in the small apartment, but neighbors in this part of town kept themselves to themselves. Now Jason allowed Cody to slide down to the floor. Cody was on fire, he had never felt pain like this before, he shook in agony and looked up at Jason, "Please, make it stop! Just make it stop!"_

_Jason ignored him as he coldly looked around making sure nothing could tie him to this place. He picked up Cody's gun and placed his own down near Cody's hand. Cody tried to reach the gun, thinking he had a way out. "Don't bother," Jason said contemptuously, "there are no more bullets." Then he turned and walked out of the room without a backward glance towards the man writhing in pain on the filthy floor._

* * *

_The car sped along the dark twisty road, there was no moon tonight, and the only light came from the headlights. The driver was a man possessed; checking his rearview mirror so frequently that he wasn't paying enough attention to the road in front._

"_Look out!" screamed his passenger._

_There was a motorcycle parked lengthways on the narrow road, Jason Morgan stood in front of it with his arms crossed. The car screeched to a stop inches from him, but he didn't flinch. _

_The driver, Andrei Karpov, lay dazed and bleeding; the air bag had inflated and broken his noise. Sasha Donev, uninjured, grabbed for the door handle and stumbled out of the car. Jason glanced at her and then starting walking towards the driver's side door. She turned and ran for the false security of the woods at the edge of the road; a bullet kicked up dust less than a foot in front of her. _

_She froze and turned back, "Please, Mr. Morgan, I told him not to do it, I reminded him of what happened last time Mr. Spinelli was injured. He didn't care, he wanted you to pay for humiliating him and he was furious to discover that Ms. McCall was working undercover. He hated that she fooled him into trusting him."_

"_A lot of that going around;" Jason said in a dead voice, "As for you, you came and threatened Spinelli when he was lying in a hospital bed fighting a fever. You chose to work for this trash, knowing everything he is and everything he does. The guilt is just as much yours."_

_Suddenly a perfectly round black hole blossomed in the center of her forehead and she fell flat on her back gazing up unseeingly at dark trees and countless stars._

_Jason turned his attention to Karpov. He had recovered his senses and was frantically trying to disengage himself from the clutch of the air bag and get to his gun; all the while blood spewed copiously from his nose. Jason opened the car door and dragged him out, letting him drop to the road surface. Karpov looked up at him pleadingly, "Money, power, anything, anything you want!"_

_Jason pointed his gun at the white and red riven face and said "You took the only thing I want. Rot in hell!"_

* * *

_An hour later, a motorcycle roared up to the empty deserted pier. It was quiet, all the energy and panic from earlier had dissipated. Jason climbed stiffly off his bike and walked towards the wall where the crate had been. Someone had rinsed away the blood, though it was still possible to see a faint stain in the dim security light. With a sigh, he slid down the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest, and closed his eyes. He had hoped there would still be something of Spinelli here; he couldn't imagine that so much pain, emotion, and intensity could simply vanish. _

"_I know that I have already broken my word," he said to the air around him. "I'm sorry, but I didn't have a choice. They couldn't be allowed to live after what they did to you, to me….If you could forgive me, and let me try again, I want to, I want to be all those things you see….saw in me. Please, just show me how, help me, I am so alone..." There was no response; despair and sadness mingled together and settled on him.  
_

_He sat there for a while, silent and dark when he felt a soft whisper of air caress his check. There was no breeze, it was entirely still; he raised his head and looked out across the harbor. The air had lightened while he was there; the sun was just starting to rise over the water. He got up and walked to the edge of the pier, a weight nudging against his hip. He reached back, his gun….Hefting it in his hand, he looked out over the water now turning gold in the new day. He threw the gun as far as he could and as it hit the water and sank, an unexpected feeling of peace rolled over him. He still had uncountable tasks to do before he could rest; but perhaps for this one moment, he could just stand and watch the sunrise with his brother's spirit nearby. _


	3. Aftermath

Redemption

_Redemption_

**_A/N: I have no rights or affiliation with the characters presented within this piece. _**

_Chapter 3: Aftermath_

_Port Charles slowly stirred awake to another lovely fall day. On the surface it appeared much as any other moderate-sized, eastern seaboard city. Its citizens were getting ready for their usual day of work and school. People were eating toast, drinking coffee, and dressing; multi-tasking by watching or listening to the morning news. _

_Then as a new report started, heads turned and people stopped what they were doing and saying and simply listened in shock. The newscaster mentioned no one by name, there was no picture for reference. As she continued to talk, her voice was superimposed over a dark, grainy homemade video of a pier, a crate, a crowd, and glaring spotlights. She spoke of a bizarre, tragic accident involving a young man in his early twenties who worked in tech support for a local coffee importer. There was a logical connection made between his job and his presence on the docks... Around the city, those who knew him listened stunned:_

_In Kelley's a coffeepot shattered and Mike raced over to pull Lulu up out of a mixture of glass shards and scalding liquid._

_Diane Miller stopped preening in front of the mirror, a tight band of grief swelled in her chest as tears rolled unchecked down her immaculately made up face. _

_Elizabeth Webber and Carly Jacks, one watching T.V. the other listening to the radio, simultaneously said "Jason!"_

_Claudia Zacchara felt her heart skip a beat as a mix of sadness and anger consumed her. She looked speculatively at her father, who seemed oblivious, and thought she would kill him if he had anything to do with it. Then she reconsidered: he would have already been dead-Jason would have made sure of it. _

_Johnny rushed by, heading for the door, his cell phone in hand as he frantically tried to call Lulu._

_Robin and Patrick looked at each other across the breakfast table, her eyes wide with concern as she thought of Maxie and then Jason. _

_Jax was in the conference room in his offices at the Metrocourt. He had been there all night; work was what kept him sane these days. He watched the report and thought sadly of the young man he had once tried to mentor. So much potential and humanity turned to dust; he felt no surprise; only regret that he hadn't manage to salvage Spinelli and keep him from his preordained fate. _

_Nicholas Cassidine and Nadine Crowell were sitting with Sam, as she lay sedated for shock in a hospital bed; they already knew what had happened. Somehow seeing the footage-the huge crate, brought the reality of it home to Nadine. Nicholas reached across the bed for her hand but she pulled free and ran out into the hall. _

_She saw Sonny Corinthos, across in the waiting room where he often cat napped. He was rolling his shoulders and stretching his neck as he watched. Then his expression changed and a grim, cold smile emerged to sit oddly on his lips. _

* * *

_It was the next news story, seemingly unrelated, that illustrated the duality of life in Port Charles. It had been a violent night all around. A Russian mobster named Karpov and his attorney Sasha Donev, had been killed execution style. Their bodies had been found on the side of the road, with no attempt made at concealment; each had a single bullet wound to the head. The road led to a small private airport, it seemed Mr. Karpov might have been trying to flee. _

_There was yet another death last night, an Iraqi war vet named Cody Paul, had died of what looked like a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the abdomen. He had a criminal history and had been addicted to prescription pain pills._

_Detective Lucky Spencer had agreed to be interviewed and he admitted that "It wasn't a common way to commit suicide, but all the evidence pointed to it."_

"_Yes," he said grimly, "Mr. Paul suffered greatly before he died." In addition, he told the reporter that the Port Charles Police had no leads in the murders of Mr. Karpov and Ms. Donev. "It was likely a mob contract and done by a professional. We might never solve it," he said sighing._

_Everyone affected by Damian Spinelli's death understood the message-swift justice had been meted out. Not even the softest heart amongst the listeners felt anything but a sad vindication. That was how it was to live in Port Charles; they took care of their own._

* * *

_Jason slumped in the elevator as he rode up to the Crimson offices. He had never felt this exhausted, not even when he had a bullet in him. He had asked Lucky to tell Mac that he would go to Maxie, it had to be him and reluctantly Mac had agreed. He had no idea how he would do this or what he would say. He only knew it was next in a series of Herculean chores that he been asked to perform by Spinelli and failure was not an option. _

* * *

_Maxie had been running on adrenalin and coffee buzz for the last week. After Kate had been shot she had decided that the best way for her to help was to keep Crimson up and running. For a nascent magazine to have both its editor and assistant editor out of commission at the same time would be a crisis no matter what. Through the violent circumstances of Kate's shooting and the media frenzy surrounding it; a situation now existed wherein Crimson's literal survival was threatened. So, Maxie was trying to help Kate in her way, but she knew that her own career was on the line as well. Therefore, there was no better incentive for her to dive into work with her trademark mixture of tenacity, charm and inherent comprehension of all things fashion…_

_She left the office late and returned earlier and earlier. Sleep was a foregone luxury, replaced by text messages, e-mails, and phone conferences. Until last night, she had actually been riding a wave of euphoria-she was doing it, she was running Crimson-and well! Last night though she suddenly felt exhausted and the one and only thing she thought of doing was being with Spinelli. He would talk to her, cheer her up, they could cuddle together and she would be revitalized for the days ahead. So, she tried to get in touch with him and that's when things started to change. _

_Spinelli had been unreachable. She had called and called-his cell, the landlines at the penthouse and the coffee shop-nothing had worked. Hours had gone by and there had been no response from him. This had never happened, __never__; she called and he responded with an immediacy that she had grown to rely upon, perhaps even taken for granted… Yet, this time there was only silence and at first she had been piqued, irritated, frustrated that the one person she needed and wanted to see was not responding. _

_By midnight, she had started to feel uneasy, worrying that perhaps something had happened. She had gone to the penthouse and when no one responded she had let herself into a dark and unwelcoming silence. Clutching her cell phone in her hand like a talisman; she had become increasingly frantic, a sense of foreboding overshadowing all other thoughts. _

_She lay on the living room couch drifting in and out of a restless sleep. Images of Spinelli were constantly floating through her dreams and all of them were terrifying. He didn't look right, he was pale, almost translucent and the expression on his face was frighteningly heartbreaking. He would call to her and when she would try to run after him and was almost able to reach out and touch him, she would find herself clutching a couch pillow. _

_Awake she tasted tears that she hadn't even known were falling. She would bring her cell phone up close to her face and check it hopefully for missed calls but it remained obdurately uncooperative. Then, dazed and fatigued, she would doze off and the nightmares would begin again. Finally, unable to stand it anymore, she had left the penthouse and come to the Crimson offices, while the sun was still hesitating over the horizon._

_Now it was full day and she knew something was terribly wrong. She was deciding whether to try one more round of phone calls or to break down and call Mac. Maxie knew that Spinelli would not be pleased if he and Jason were out on some reconnoitering mission and her interference caused them to lose their quarry or even worse, get caught red handed doing something illegal. _

_She couldn't think about that though, all she cared about was finding Spinelli and making sure he was safe…nothing else mattered. Just as she getting ready to hit Mac's number on speed dial the elevator pinged and she turned excitedly, here he was, "Spinelli!" she cried out happily. _

_It wasn't Spinelli, it was far, far worse than she had ever let herself imagine-it was Jason coming out of the elevator. Maxie knew that Jason would never come here, not like this, not at this time. Then she saw his face and all hope died. He was transformed, his clothes seemed too large on him and his gait was awkward and stilted, no longer the lithe movement of a large cat. He had lost the quiet aura of power and strength that he wore with assurance. When she looked into his eyes she realized that there was no spark, no spirit present. His skin was stretched tautly over the bones of his face and Maxie realized she was seeing what Jason Morgan would look like as a very old man. _

_It was ridiculous she knew to even ask, but her mouth opened of its own volition, "Jason, where is he? Where's Spinelli? I want, I need to see him. Is he coming?..."_

_She didn't think that he could look worse than he did, but as she spoke and as he heard the pleading in her voice, his features twisted and he said hopelessly in a raw, pain edged voice, "Maxie, Spinelli, he…"_

_Maxie raised her left hand, the one with the traitorous cell phone in it, to cut off whatever he was going to say. She pressed her other hand down hard on the desk she was standing near; desperately fighting for some type of equilibrium, trying to prepare herself for the unendurable. _

_They came, all the devastatingly familiar sensations; first numbness, then a fiery pain in the pit of her stomach, followed by a rush of bile that she managed to push back down. Maxie Jones was indeed a veteran of grief and she knew what to expect but this time was different. Never before had her heart done this inexplicable dance: first racing so she thought it would explode out of her chest and then taking so long between beats that she could examine her own mortality as she waited to see if it would pulse once more. The other, BJ's heart, the alien that forever dwelt inside her, warring with her for supremacy over her choices and actions was making its own declaration of unspeakable loss. It seemed that Georgie, Jessie, and Coop had belonged to Maxie only but Spinelli- he had co-opted BJ's heart along with Maxie's soul. She had lost the pacemaker of her heart._

_An inhuman high pitched wail that raised the hackles on Jason's neck was wrenched from Maxie's tiny body as she started to crumple towards the floor. He caught her and tried to hold her but her spine was bent at an impossible angle and she arced up out of his grip in paroxysms of grief. He was petrified that she would hurt herself and even more frightened that he would hurt her by trying to contain the spasms. He gathered her flailing limbs as firmly as possible and rocked with her in a joint anguish. After an eternity, measured in moments, the incessant, unbearable keening trailed off into whimpering sobs and she finally lay still in his arms. _

_He looked down into her face, a tear stained reflection of his own. She looked small, lost, and unutterably alone. Jason reached down and gently brushed away the hair glued to her cheek. Then gathering her up into his arms he pressed her against his shoulder. Maxie was now the most precious thing in his universe; Spinelli had charged him with her care and well being and he would protect and support her unto death. _

_They sat in silence, while Maxie gripped Jason fiercely as though he and he alone were keeping her tethered to life and sanity. After a long while, Maxie slowly pushed back from Jason and looked searchingly into his eyes. "What happened to him, Jason?" she whispered, needing to know, no matter the cost. _

_Jason swallowed and wished despairingly that he could avoid answering but she was owed the truth. "It…it happened last night on the docks. He and Sam were talking and a crate came off of a crane. Spinelli saved Sam but he was trapped." He stopped, miserable, not knowing how to continue. Maxie was implacable, silently demanding that he tell her. "He was alive, but there was nothing anyone could do…"_

_Maxie drew in her breath and gave a sharp cry of distress that cut into Jason like a knife. "You saw him, spoke with him, were there with him….?" The words sputtered out of her. Shocked and beside herself, she tried to comprehend why she had not been called, not been allowed the chance to see him, not been given the opportunity to say goodbye. Feelings of bitterness and betrayal welled up within in her to mingle with the raw newness of fresh grief. She pushed away from Jason, crossed her arms defensively and glared furiously at him._

_Jason shook his head in denial of her anger, her rejection of his comfort as he tried to explain. "Maxie…he refused to let you see him like that. He didn't want that to be your last memory of him."_

"_No!" she started to cry again, tears rolling down her cheeks while huge gulping sobs erupted out of her. "It isn't fair! It's not! I never got to tell him how I feel…" At last the words that had been so long dammed up inside her heart broke free, "I love him, Jason, I love him. He is my world, my lodestone, my best friend, the best part of me. I never told him and now I never can." She swayed back and forth in anguish, clutching her stomach and moaning._

_Jason leaned in towards her and placed a hand under her chin stilling her rocking as he tilted her face up to his. "Maxie," he said gently," he knew, he absolutely knew. I told him that you love him and he called it a gift beyond measure. He was so happy to hear it. He said he loves you; that he had wanted to see your face last thing at night and your smile first thing in the morning. He wanted to build a life with you. So, no matter how you never said it to him or he to you; it was absolutely real and true and pure and reciprocated. You loved one another and no one can say otherwise."_

_Maxie was absorbing every word he said like they were life sustaining droplets of something very precious. Then her expression changed abruptly as the realization of why she would never hear those three simple words from Spinelli's lips struck her anew. "Oh, God!" she whimpered, "I'll never see him again, never hear him call me Maximista, never feel his arms wrapped around me. I'll never feel safe and loved and protected, because he is the one that did that for me, no one else ever did." Her voice held total desolation._

_Suddenly, she became panicked and looked up at Jason with wide stretched, tear filled eyes. "I'll be lost, Jason! He was the only one who could save me, who saw something worthwhile-even good-inside me." Clutching at his arm, she asked, "How are we going to survive Jason? How will we go forward today, tomorrow…?" Maxie stopped, her eyes turned inwards while she contemplated a bleak, empty future. How could she exist in a world lacking Spinelli's gentle, kind, loving presence; that which over time, she had come to rely on as a buffer against the cold, uncompromising cruelty of life. Her safe haven had been ripped away from her just as she had come to trust that he would always be there for her. _

_Jason sighed and said brokenly, "I don't know how, I really don't. We have to though; we have to because Spinelli would want us to. He said that you and I have to live for him and I promised him we would. Our lives aren't purely our own anymore, they also belong to him. We have to think about what he would do, how he would act. We must honor him; show him how much his life meant and how much he will forever be missed. Our lives have to be living memorials to Spinelli."_

_Maxie looked at him with a deep abiding sadness, "We __can't__ be Spinelli, no one can be him. He was the best person I have ever known. You and I," she paused, looking at Jason, and then finished, "…we're damaged goods."_

_Jason closed his eyes and frowned as he said harshly. "You're right…I am nothing like Spinelli. I bring destruction to everyone I touch, including him. He would be here right now, if it weren't for me…" his words dissolved in a welter of pain and self-loathing._

_After a moment, he regained his self control, and continued. "Maxie, you should hate me. I hate myself. I found out this wasn't an accident-he died because of his association, his connection, to me!" Tears began streaming disregarded down his cheeks and his voice was thick with more. "Then I went and did something I know he wouldn't have wanted or asked for. I sought retribution; I broke my promise to him. I said I would change, try to be a better person. I just couldn't let the people who did that to him, not to him, go unpunished… I couldn't."_

_Maxie looked at Jason in astonishment. This man who never thought twice about using violence to further his ends, his needs, was disintegrating right before her eyes. Jason, whom she had grudgingly tolerated for Spinelli's sake, but whom she thought devoid of most emotions, was being torn to shreds by guilt and grief. He was just like her, everything she was feeling he felt. They were both teetering on the edge of the black hole that was Spinelli's death. If one was saved both might be; if one was lost, so was the other. Yet, that could never be allowed to happen because then Spinelli would have died for nothing. _

_Tentatively, Maxie reached out her hand to Jason and he gripped it with painful force. "Jason, you can't blame yourself for his death. I know you would have done anything to protect him; you would have sacrificed yourself for him without a thought. You would never knowingly let him go into danger."_

"_If he had __never__ met me there would never have been any risk of danger," Jason said dully._

"_Spinelli wanted to be in your life. He loved you, Jason; he loved and admired you so much. You were his hero, his big brother, maybe even his father."_

"_No! I didn't have the right to pretend to be any of those things to him. I'm nobody's hero; I'm a thug, an enforcer, a stone cold killer!"_

"_If that's all you are, what does that make Spinelli?" Maxie demanded fiercely. "He loved you and me," her voice broke, but she went on. "That heart of his, that wonderful, all seeing, all encompassing heart of his; do you dare tell me that he was wrong when he chose to give it to us? He put his life, his hope, his trust on the line for both of us time after time with no expectations. Even when we used him, were impatient with him, or hurt him; it never swayed his regard for us. He understood us better than we understand ourselves. To say you or I weren't deserving of his love is spitting on the most precious gift either of us will __ever__ receive!" She stopped, dizzy from fatigue and overwhelming emotion. _

_Jason had raised his head and was listening, hanging on every word. She could see something stirring in his eyes, behind the pain. Perhaps it was the same flare of hope she could feel flicker deep down inside herself. _

"_As to the other, Jason, I can't absolve you for what you did. I can only say that I'm glad you did it. Spinelli, wasn't us, he didn't have a vengeful bone in his body." Maxie looked at Jason with a cold smile flickering on her lips. "I appreciate what you did. I hope the bastards who did that to him-to us-suffered before they died and for all eternity afterwards." _

_Jason looked at Maxie, dismayed at what she had just said. The smile vanished as quickly as it came and she looked a little sick. "S…someday," she stammered, trying to reclaim her soul, the inner goodness that Spinelli saw in her, "we won't react that way. We'll deal with pain without lashing out; we'll learn to be more like him…"_

_They sat in silence for a moment, each lost in memories and grief. Maxie thought about Spinelli, about how much he had loved and admired this strange, taciturn man. His was the only presence she could bear to tolerate as she processed the first awful intimations that she would indeed survive, and even live, in a world that suddenly lacked grace, compassion and love. They had both lost him and Jason, unbelievably, seemed as grief stricken as she was. Maxie knew what Spinelli would wish for her to do and so she reached out her arms to the broken man sitting across from her. He came into her embrace with a groan, and she rocked and soothed him. "Shh, shh, It's okay, I've got you, just let it go." For once Maxie managed to put aside her own sorrow and reach out to someone in the same pain and try to heal him. Jason cried with anguish and abandon; wrapped in the safety of her arms. "He's gone! I'll never see him again…"_

_In that moment an unbreakable bond was formed between two damaged people-a tiny broken blonde sprite and an angry misfit. They had been brought together by the shared burden of unconditional love and faith. For the rest of their lives, they would protect and preserve the legacy of the one person who saw past the darkness to the light that emanated from each of them. _

_**A/N Reviews and perceptions are appreciated**_


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